What are we actually looking for in this life?

This question been haunted me recently. I know that human lives for some dissatisfaction so that's why we keep on  improving ourselves so we could gain more and the better.
But recently i'm just wondering what is actually at the end, the most aspect that human actually searching or fight for.
In this early 20ish age of me i know i shouldn't too bother of that instead of using all my energies to do all the things that i want or other things i'm able to do. Cause much all people said this is the perfect phase of life to gain experiences as much as i could.
That's true indeed. But with this thought inside me, i just want to making sure that things i did or i'm doing right now or soon i will do, won't end to some vain or worst, regrets.

Talking about career, i recently somehow take hotelier as my now-on-career. I ended up (for now) being a receptionist at one hotel in my hometown. Which honestly i kinda, you know, it's not my passion and it's not kind of job that i expected after i got my bachelor *if you know what i really want to say, then*. To be honest i don't actually suit on the schedule cause i have to work based on the time-shift and i just got a one-day-off after five days works which means in a week i just have only a day to have some rest and have some fun. The work is pretty much fine actually, though until right now i still do some kind of troubles, but i guess the pressures are normal for me as the first timer worker. So, so far i could say it's a yeah-fine, cause i guess it's a not-so-bad starter plus i got an experience as a hotelier. Oh yes and the salary is totally fine so that's why i don't mind to signed the contract.

But then, though it's a yeah-fine, it's still not my passion. I often find myself grumbling, complaining, and sometimes crying. Cause the weary is so much real when you do the things that isn't really belongs to you, is actually your daily basis routine. I actually could just leave it and fight for other careers that might be better and more suitable for me, but, here is the dilemma. If i lost this job i will probably *and i will* lost my chance to keep on singing and shining.
So actually the main reason why am i OK to do this job is, i could still be able to sing with my choir mates and join the competition abroad this summer. And i can't deny to keep on singing plus join the competition cause hell yeah! THIS IS the thing that i'm living for. To sing and shine through it.
And with this job i could save the money to go abroad without bother my parents, and stay still in this town. So that's why,

I keep let myself do the things that isn't me to provide my real Passion.

And at this point of my life, i just still couldn't believe that life could be that tricky. How come two contradictory things work out at the same period.
Or may be is this called a fairness? Instead of singing is the thing i fight for, Singing is a Reward for me cause my fidelity on my duties.

darn..

Well, for my opinion what i'm doing right now -i mean the job- is one of my fight to keep my dream alive. Just like Seb on La la Land he's doing what he doesn't like to make his dreams come true.
So yes, Dream has its own price. And it's not cheap.

By then, i don't know what will happen after this summer. As the time run, i'm excited that i will be leaving this job and living my dream for about two weeks in Europe, then i still can't figure out what's next.

Should i follow my dreams or be realistic, or again make a vice versa.

damn,
life is tricky darn.

xo,

T

Peace

Our love coasts everything.
Whilst we are just a mere human who have nothing.
We ain't Jesus or Muhammad who sacrifice all their life for the human being salvation.

We cling on to many things in this world.
And our love coasts the despair of them.
Love is indeed a powerful yet the infinite entity in this life.

But our love is just a dust without any sacrifice.
And to pay it, the coast is everything.

We do in love.
But do we have everything to redeem it?

Darling, our love coasts everything.

and we are nothing.

October, 23rd 2015

xo,

T

I saw the real life, yesterday.

I guess.

So my friend and i just got a new experience that we thought it would change our point of view about what life is. Well, maybe the thing that i experienced yesterday is something natural that happen to all of humans. But then again, it's new for me. And it changed everything that i see through my eyes.
---
Our.Art Production is a little company that my friend arranged about a year ago or so. She asked me and some of my friends to join in, and so we did. What we do through this little company is a kind of branding marketing and consultant. The job contains maintaining the brand of a company itself through media socials and some kind of events. We also could make a profile company and such, in terms of  the company's necessity.

Okay. i might sound like a marketing now...

But the thing is, we're just a starter. And we are still have a very minimum experiences. And we sometimes just don't know what to do and have zero ideas while our job is actually make some fresh ideas. It stressed out us sometimes but we always end up with a big laughs and some nasty jokes.

-That's what happened if you work with your best friends-

And so, two days ago we met our very first serious client. They wanted us to make a profile company both in hard copy and a video. After we gave a presentation to someone like -i don't know if he is the secretary of the owner or so, he looked impressed and sure with us and he said that they will call us after he discuss it with the owner. Short long story, at first the secretary didn't say that the owner will be join. But about 15 minutes after we had that discussion, the owner came and he asked me and my friend to do the presentation again.

And somehow we were got numb all of sudden. The words were stop right in the edge of our tongues and we just lost our marketing sense. We don't have any portfolio yet for the profile company, cause this one is our very first time so we just show them the template and the concept that we could make.
Then the owner just hit us with,
"So what things that you have made already? Your portfolio maybe? The videos or anything. Can we see?"
we said, "This is our first time, sir. We don't have any portfolio yet."
"Okay." Said the owner with that kind of -gosh they're still kid. am i really spend my money and my trust for them- face.

For God sake it was really tense. I was shivering and so was my friend. After that hit, he hit us again with
"What is your background?"
"Sociology, sir."
"Oh really? Sociology? You could be more attractive than this. So you could convince me about your company and your concepts."
"-dying-"

But after he found out that we have a Sociology background, our talk moved out to CSR and other social things that still relate to the company. And the tense were slowly faded and yeah that's it.

The thing that i just want to say is. That real world is so much different from things that you've learned in a class or what you've experienced through some committees that you were join. The pressures are 90% heavier and the responsibilities are have no hole. Perfect is your duty and you can't simplify even a very single little thing.
All you need is a maturity now.
Isn't a joke anymore that you face.

Oh yes, i'm talking to myself.

brace it,

T 

An update

Hey i got something big for y'all. I just wanna tell that i just...

PASSED THE FINAL EXAMINATION FOR MY THESIS!!!

YES I'M GOING TO OFFICIALLY PUT S.SOSIO RIGHT AFTER MY NAME (hopefully) THIS SEPTEMBER!

Hah! I finally finished my thesis last May and by the end of that month, i had to gave some presentation right in front of my 3 lecturers, then they asked me numerous questions and gave me some critics -oh yes i have a lot of revisi that i have to do, but it turns out to a procrastination (so far tho).

Then after i spent about an hour and a half of that sidang, i ended up with an AB as my final score that i thought it was just a miracle cause for me my thesis has sooo many messes. Hahaha! But yeah, that's what i got, that was the thing that happened to me and i can't ask God no more cause this is just a great-massive-hilarious blessed to me.

So that's my update so far. honestly i really really want to post something worth it but i just got stuck and i have no idea what to write. big time. I'll be back soon with something that worthy and bloggy to post, so this blog ain't turn lame.

By then,

keep on alive! Cause life is too good..

-so far-

here is a pic!

yes, i was going to die.

xo,

T

Reblogging

Benci sama Cinta.

"I used to hate love."

Kenapa?

"I do not know. I just hated love."

OK. When did you start not liking love? Should I say "benci"? Benci is a very strong word.

"I can't recall the timeline. Dan ya, benci adalah kata yang tepat."

Baiklah. Benci. Kapan lo mulai benci cinta? The question will not answer itself.

"When it started scaring me."

When was that dan kenapa cinta mulai membuat lo takut?

"I told you. I cannot remember the timeline."

Tapi lo ingat apa yang lo rasakan?

"Yes, I remember."

So it was fear and you were afraid. Afraid of what?

"Everything."

What exactly were you afraid of?

"Kehilangan."

Will you cry?

"When I get scared? I will not."

Kenapa?

"Would crying help?"

Mungkin.

"Mungkin."

Bridge Over Troubled Water

When you're weary, feeling small,

When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;

I'm on your side. When times get rough

And friends just can't be found,

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,

When you're on the street,

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you.

I'll take your part.

When darkness comes

And pain is all around,

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,

Sail on by.

Your time has come to shine.

All your dreams are on their way.

See how they shine.

If you need a friend

I'm sailing right behind.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind.

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind.

Here. when your breath is heavy, things going hard.

i think it's humane to admit that we need only just one shoulder

to lean on.

And at the end,

You will find it's October

And she's gone

You've been fooled by April

And he's gone

xx,

T

365th

I must say and to be honest, i spent these several past days with the shades of tears. I don't know how these bad things could be happened in a row.
My favorite laptop with my whole files, thesis, pictures, videos, all things precious is gone in couple of days ago. I know it was my fault and i shouldn't left it in my car that day. My parents so mad at me and i don't have any idea how can i do my thesis after this. Or my projects, or if i need my old files. i am terribly sad, upset, and regret that i left it inside my car. Someone stole it and broke the left door of my car. I didn't realize that it was gone until i get to my friend's flat and when i wanted to take it, it wasn't there. I got panicked, my friend was instantly take me back to campus right in the parking lot where i was parked my car, i asked the security, my friend asked some people who were there, but then i got nothing. No clues cause no one gave attention to my car, and my laptop was really gone and lost. I just hope that maybe somehow i could find it back. It's not about the laptop but all the files. They are really important.

next,

I am no more with you.
I couldn't explain anything with this. We both know that us is something impossible. Ever since we shake hands. But i somehow, i don't know if you meant to do that or it's just me who misread, that you were convinced me that somehow or somewhat and someway we could be together someday. And that's why i keep myself stay with us. I keep fight for us. Cause i do really believe that us is possible. It's just matter of time.
The thing is i realized it now that actually, it's just  me who believe it. I didn't mean that you're not loving me but the thing is i know that our purpose on this thing between us is different now. And that's make me sick. truthfully. and i know so do you.
So i decide to go and won't get back into this. Cause i know if i stay, vanishes, lies, naives are the things inside our relationship beneath those cheers, kisses, and laughs. and i know it will hurt so deep for both of us. and i had enough to experience that. I truly had enough. And i truthfully know that so do you.

So by the end of 2015. I guess i know why these bad and teary things had happen to me. I guess God has prepared something better for me and by these things He wants me to take the lessons. Really take it and learn it so i won't face these anymore.

And you.
I tell you, that this will be my last tears for you. So please don't come back.
I love you have a great life.

xo,
T

Instead of fall, I am drowned

No.
It is not the expression of regret nor rage.
Just a mere of enigma that cling to a mere girl.
She ain't despair but fluster.
Wondering where her soul has been gone.
She is empty.
and frightened.

Her longing to the world is the worst.
While from the unreachable sky, He is waiting.
Offering an everlasting solace.
She should be answer His invitation.
But why still stay, Cherie?
Waiting for the soul that lost?

Oh Cherie.
She already flew up high towards Him.
Resting her fatigue cause she played too hard.
Why wondering where she is?

Go home Cherie.
She is already there.
and He is waiting.

xx

That Green Dim Light

Yesterday in the middle of stressing phase in my first chapter of my thesis, I decided to watch a movie. And I came up with The Great Gatsby of a sudden because I remembered that I haven’t watched it yet. And my first impression is

WHAT THE HELL-GREAT COMBINATION OF TOBEY MAGUIRE AND LEONARDO DICAPRIO IN ONE SCREENPLAY!

They are such a darling and too hot to be together in a one screen. Not to mention their acting. they’re the best for sure. The set is also my favorite. I adore so much the post world war I lifestyle in U.S. They were classy and so passionate but surely negative to the liquors and the racists things. But still who doesn’t love to see their glamorous life with those dazzling dresses, fancy parties with those swingy-jazzy tunes, and the funny-tipsy dance, those all a great yet terrifying combination. Why is that so? Just wonder if you get high every night and you just end up with some guy. Well, a guy it’s fine but what if you end up with someone who’s married. Oh gosh okay this shouldn’t be typed.

And now, about the story line. Woohoo.

Frankly, I don’t know how but, I do feel what Gatsby experienced.  To reach something unreachable or to have something that limited, and when you surprisingly got the chance to reach it or have it in just one step it suddenly puffed up and gone. The big question is why on earth we have to experience such a pitiful things like that. I mean what’s the point of us just to be there, right before the finish line to grasp the thing we crave for but it comes up with nothing? Is it just for us to watch the thing vanish clearer? If you thought so then you can blame fate.

But I’m not saying that I agree with the thought and by that I’m neither disagree with it.  Cause for me that’s all pointless. I mean, we sometimes argue whether things are wrong or right or it shouldn’t be like the way it is while truthfully world doesn’t offer such thing as an absolute righteousness. That divine thing is define by the groups of perfections and finals. Unfortunately the world has zero of them. Cause none is final. We are not final. Just a mere of a sentence without punctuation. Ambiguous, blur, and not final.

So why bother? It’s true that our life tends to reach the final and perfection. But that’s not the only thing and the main purpose of this life. If you ask me what it is, I will say life is mattered by an act of acceptance. Why is that so? back again then, cause all things are not final so what we only can do is to accept all the things.

And Gatsby. Well, I don’t see that he nearly understand about the idea of acceptance. It’s true that Daisy loved him since and for forever. But for having her it’s sadly just an illusion. Just like that green light right on the opposite of his dock. All he could do just seeing it from afar and no matter how much he stretch his hand to it, it still far away and unreachable.

World is indeed a big stage of comedies. All that insane thing could happen. So just laugh to it in terms of acceptance. What happened to Gatsby happened to me as well. And perhaps so do you. To accept such a pitiful thing is f**king hard and suffering. And I do feel Gatsby that we’re indeed tipsy by love so the idea to accept that pitiful thing is such a pathetic deed. So no wonder if he prefer to wait for a call from her till he’s dead. Cause he never shakes his hand with the acceptance. And so there he was. Drawn with his own idea of struggling a flawless love.

And how about me? Will I end up just like Gatsby or will I accept it?

Well..

I guess, I prefer to sit here with a glass of ice tea, swingy-jazzy tunes, and a show of my own fate then laugh and enjoy at it.

Cause why should I rush to choose which the right deeds to do? I am not final yet tho. So does the world. I’m accepting all of them by giggles. This world is just a mere stage of comedies, right?

Why bother? Enjoy! We’re not final yet.

Xx,

T

Renaissance

Days turning to those papers, books, journals, and scores-less. My failure on last semester reminds me that i am here because the sake of those social theories not because of those crochets, minims, nor braves. It should be my last semester on college but i was took all the things too easy so now i have to take one more semester. It shoot me down but what else i can do except starting over with my thesis and mending all my manners and unfortunately, cut my schedule on singing rehearsals. It's hard but i have to get focus so i could get it done in the mid of next semester *crossing fingers*.

So yeah. i am typing my stresses because of my own fault right now. ha! i know you're laughing!
I just hope that i wont die because of this new mundane which obviously-honestly i am not really good at it and it's increasing my tense. Nonetheless, sociology is me and i am here because the sake of it. So this is my time to do something for this subject which i learn since i was in high school. Fears, excitements, and worries are diffusing in one word. Obligation. I oblige to explain what people do through the paradigms and methods from the numerous sociologist. Thus, let's observe, identify, and analyze.
*taking deep breath*
*inhales-exhales*

okay! Give a way to the next Bachelor on Sociology,
T
 

From The Tuesday Man

Who is he you may ask?
He is a professor, sociologist, dancer, art-appreciator and a great human being. I met him in words arranged by Mitch Albom through his Tuesdays With Morrie. And for me there's no other fascinating way to meet a person in their stories.
What do i really admire from Morrie is his perspective to see things especially about death. Things that people scared of and the reason of despair. But he had his own glasses for see through the death. He seemed enjoying his last days surrounded by his loves and share all of his thoughts, and were honest about everything in life. He had no fear, he just let things happened as it was and were being brave to facing death. By his lecture, i learned that how precious every second we have in our life. And there's no time for us to regret things that happened in our life cause it's indeed the part of living. We don't need to keep asking why cause it is the way. So just keep moving forward and deal with it.
Yes, it's damn hard right?
But Morrie gave the key. He said according to the Buddhist, "Don't cling to things because everything is impermanent". Our shits nowadays are mostly about letting go something. We usually wondering why those good things must be vanish in our phase of life when we actually feel that we really cling, connected, and comfort. It's indeed hurt but what else we could do when they are really want to go? Things on this world has its period so just take it easy.
That is just a piece from his other brilliant thoughts. But I surely will reread this beautiful books when i reach my 70ish age. Hoping that i will have the same brave and excitement as Morrie in learning about death and at once appreciating life.

Great book indeed!
xo,
T

Ephemeral Sunshine Instead

Hey!

These past 3 months went hard, annoying, exhausting, and confusing. I couldn't get my own longing, my own thoughts, my own feeling, even my own deeds. Things were going too fast i guess so my brain couldn't catch it as fast as it comes.
The bomb has already blown up right at the 10th seconds not at 0 as it used to be. I ain't prepared that much so yeah i kinda messed up.
Keep blaming all this universe why this has to be happened again on me and why i have to drink the same tears like i've done it before.
And still believing that things would be fine like it used to when the fact everything has been wrecked into pieces.
So then i found myself laughing to me.
For being that stupid and being such a pathetic girl, a whore, and a loser.
Hahaha!

and it hits me that i think Summer was right
"Love is just a fantasy"

It's enough for me to see that all these people are just the same.
So i am stop doing this thing. i am exhausted
i really need a rest, God.
These wounds are really more than enough.
Seriously.
I'm done and it was really great! Yes I mean it! so please stop.

Funny isn't it to see and experiencing  your favorite movie is rolling in your own life?
Hey Tom i know that feel!

xo,
T

She (finally) smelled Europe

There is no words on this planet could describe how blessed, happy, amazed, honored, and excited i am about the idea of God's way to make one of my dream comes true. Joys and cherries were always there as i stepped my feet on Europe.
This beautiful chance was came from my university's choir. God put me in the middle of those great singers i've ever known. Is not just about music that i've learned from and with them, but also about togetherness, struggles, respect, discipline,be grateful, believing, and surrender. They are not just a choir team but also a family. And last month, from April 18th to 29th 2015, we had chance to go to the beautiful city of Tallinn in Estonia. We had an international choir competition in Tallinn and by God's blessings and mercy we've got 1st place on Folklore songs category, 3rd place on Early music category, and an exciting chance to sing on Grand Prix. We had so much fun on the stage and we had such an amazing chance to experiencing those great applause, standing ovation, and their other crazy way to showing their appreciation. That was the best feeling for me as a performer, chorister, and musicians. I just can't stop saying thank you Lord Jesus.

 

And another thing that makes me super-dupper happy is...
i've finally stepping my foot on the city that i've been dreaming of for this long time.
Oui, PARIS MON CHER!

I'll be back!

xo,
T

23:35 of the Soprano

Yellow there!
In the middle of the most boring holidays with the tension caused by the results for this semester but am glad that the 5th semester has already passed. It was pretty hard tho, i had this one subject and it values 4 sks, so the lecture was going like forever and its tasks was like they wont stop coming. But i actually pretty enjoyed the lecture cause the Professor was really good on explaining things, though he forced us to bought like almost a dozen of books and we had to bring them all in class, but then i glad that i still enjoyed it. The lecture not those tasks. And surprisingly, i just ended up with B which is pretty ... annoying ... but i guess i deserve it since i abandoned some tasks. he he. And for the rests of the subjects i'm still waiting for the scores *finger cross*. So i guess, that's the 5th  semester. Wasn't that good and wasn't that bad. C'est comme ci comme ça.

Anyways, the reason why i'm typing this post it's because i realize that i have the MUSIC label on my right tab bar and as i remembered i haven't made any post which described what is music to me and what kind of music i am. So here it is boom .. booom... boomm...
First of all, let me declare this to you that, Music is everything to my life *blaah cliché*. But it is. It really is cause it's impossible that me without music. And music impacted my days, my personalities and my point of view a lot, like the way i think of something could be different between before i had listening to one of the really good damn song, lyrically and/or musically, and after i have listening to it. It's sort of like that.
yeah it is.
well this kind of declaration and description is lame right?
shit.

Move on!
So, i like almost every kind of music. But mostly i enjoyed soul, jazz, RnB, pop, and other kind of normal music. I love the instrumental too! -don't underestimate me. My taste is not that shallow *glasses on*- All my love goes to Miles Davis and John Coltrane. I also enjoyed myself to Classical. Well, this one is pretty new for me, but not that new actually. I've met them when i took a basic piano lessons and when i was one of the member of the Classical children choir when i was like 13 or something. But i was not have that huge interest with the genre. I was sung and played it just as a lessons and nothing more. But things have changed ever since I've joined the Choir in my campus. I started to like it and have an interest to the genre and wanna being a real and pro chorister *amen*. I'm still a moron tho with this genre and still confuse in dividing whether it is a Baroque, Renaissance, Early or other kind of classics. But i'm willing to learn about them all. I also take i private course to improve my singing skill especially in classic. And it surprises me that my vocal cords are more comfort singing this kind of musics than others. While, honestly, i am more enjoy singing or playing with some groovy or jazzy or soul or other kind of those genres. But it turns out that i love Music more with its varieties. It makes me 'rich'.

Talking about classics i have these songs which are my favorite so far.



Well that's all i guess hehe. So far. I've been sing almost of the songs, but not (yet) with the Seal Lullaby by Eric Whitacre and the Ronde sung by Chanticleer but it will be performing soon! So exciting and stressed me out. It's quite hard. And i'm still waiting for a chance to sing the Whitacre's. I looveee his chords that he used. So beautiful!

I guess that's it about the classic that i know and i like so far. This kind of post really excites me so i guess more to come with other genres *yippie*.

To be a chorister for me is an honored actually cause this is just kind of my place. I do really love to sing and singing  in Choir has a different energy and it feels amazing. I don't know how to describe. But the most big motivation why i decided to dedicate myself into music especially in this chorister thing, is my coach's quote. He said "For all these times, music is always there for you. When you're sad music's there for cheering you up and when you're happy music's also there for you. So now, this is your turn to do something for music. Make it alive and everlasting"

xx,

T

Yuletide

So,
Yesterday i was going to church with my family to celebrate the Christmas' eve as usual. Christmas' eve always be my favorite day over the New year's eve even may be my birthday. It's so happy to see all the family gathered together. Some already have couples of grandchild, some has just got married and gathered with a new big family, some are gonna have new babies, some Long-distance-relationship couples are finally could meet each others and share the joyful of Christmas while some have to feel some lost or solitude. But i bet all of those people are happy because The Savior has come to Earth.
This warmth, this joy, this grateful feel are the best thing that i could felt tonight. but maybe not as good as lasts Christmases because this is the first Christmas without my grandma and grandpa. God loves them more than us here. Grandpa was gone on 2012 and Grandma was gone last September. They are the greatest person in this universe and my days feel empty without them. But that's life. Nothing lasts forever.
And it realizing me something. A thing that actually i already understood, but kept denying it. May be i am a person who think rationally but do irrationally or in other words, a coward. I dont know how to explain this but when i see the ambiance of Christmas and its beauty i realize a thing that love isn't that love. it's a big thing and it is bigger than that, so it has the consequences and they also big.
So i guess that's it. May be because love has its potion to make us blind and drunk by it we always forgotten the rest. And make a barrier between love and other things while all the things in this life always relating.
I hope we all can be a better person and be brave.

Merry Christmas,

T

Reminiscing

It's like a reunion. It's a crystal clear that the ending would be the same and the journey of it, is obviously the same. The bomb is counting down. And my warmest Hello directly for the shit I've met two years ago.

I never expect to meet and experiencing you again. But seems life is too kind to not give me this great lemon.

Well yeah, Hello again! you shit!

Let's make another wound

xx,

T

Corners are the nest of epiphany

As she spent her hours there, a lot of thoughts are running in and out through her head. some thoughts are sweet as her free doughnut, others are bitter as her americano, the rests are blur as the smokes of cigarettes.

People were passing by, chattering, laughing, smoking but she busy with her solitude. She was ignoring the surrounding and drowned herself into those words that printed out on the yellowed pages.

tired of reading, she puts her earphones on. hit the 'Shuffle' button, then 24 - 25 by Kings of Convenience was tuning in. Forgot that she had the song in her phone, she played it hundreds times like she was being spelled by Erlend and Eirik's voices. Then she searched the lyrics, curious why she couldn't hit the 'Stop' or 'Next' buttons. She read those lyrics which appeared on her cell-screen over and over again, but she still don't get it.

But then, she stuck with the last sentence. it says,

"Dreams burn, but in ashes are gold"

she instantly got it. she thought,

Things will be gone. sooner or later cause there's no such a thing lasts forever. at the time the thing is about to going away, it'll sucked you down and messed you up. But soon, in the other time, the thing that has been gone, will turn to be something sweets and precious to us. it is the memory.

to release something nice it's hard. but things have its period and we can't make them stay any longer if the time has come.

Just release what should be released. it is hard, but soon it will be relieved.

cause there's a time and place for everything

 xo,

T

The longest ride ever

 

So there i was right behind my steer after had a long and tough conversation with my mom. I never thought it would be so long and tough to be heard. i know she wants the best for me and i know she loves me a lot so i guess, that is why she spread those phrases toward me. i kept silent and just nodded as she spoke cause i didn't have any idea what to say and  my tongue suddenly got numb. after she finished it, i barely couldn't say a word until now, so i guess i need this page to throw up all my thoughts. sometimes all what you need is just to write them down rather than spill it out through your mouth cause usually your tongue just got slipped and you'll screw everything. but i'm not sure if this page is the right place.

I drove myself home from the place where me and my mom met up and had that conversation. i was from my campus and she was from her office so we drove different cars. in the middle of the not-so-crowded traffic, i steered my car slowly with my eyes full of tears. yes i was cried. the hard one. and that was a rare event. i was cried because i knew how much my mother loveesss me and how much she worries about me. i am blessed for being her daughter cause she is really a super woman. but then i also cried about a thing. my mom called it a flame. a flame that i shouldn't play with. but I play with it cause i  fall for it.

I fall for that flame because it warms me up, comfy me,and cheers me up. i never thought before it would be this warm and deep. but as my mom said, this is not a flame that i shouldn't play with. it doesn't mean that the flame is a danger or someone beast but instead he is a good one. a really good one. but what my mother tried to say is; we are not belong to each other. we're not suppose to be together cause somehow we've got our own way. 

Sorrow is when you already realize that something isn't belong to you, but you still have that feeling and you just can't deny it. it's like a dream. it's really fun wasting time to be with him. sharing laughs, do silly things, playing basketball, watching movies, eat tons of foods, holding hands, sing out loud together, and so on. that's all so much fun and you just enjoy every little thing. but then, you consider that it's all just a nice dream. yes, it is a nice dream and soon you'll wake up and it's all will end. if this is really a nice dream, i won't wake up. but... i have to.

and if this is the time for me -or us- to wake up, i just want to say but sadly, i can't stringing up the words to express how fun it was to be with you, did all those things, it was just so much fun. thanks a lot. thanks for putting my smile back. I'll bring that smile after i wake up :) 

guess it's time for you to find your own happiness. and i'll find my own either.

i definitely will miss you. miss us.

et oui, Je t'aime beaucoup.

I really won't but have to,

T

The last and the first words

another year has been passed. everything's changed, grew, and moved out. got so many lessons to be learned, the goods and the bad. 

something that i've never imagined before had to happen all of a sudden. it's really dragging me down. but thank God, You showed me what is the truth. it's bitter but relieve. but still, i feel that pain. it scratch clearly in my heart. am not regret. but it doesn't mean i'm okay with that mess. i just feel sorry, to you. 

but above all, thank you very much.

2013 was so amazing. God is really good. He gave me several chances to joined some great events. so many things i have learned and experienced and they are so precious. thanks for those people, i've got new families and they are really awesome! glad to meet all of them!

what a bittersweet-roller coaster-insane-galau-superb-unforgettable year.
though few things were let me down, i had tons of cheeriness that boost myself to move forward.
I was and am happy.
and i surely will be happier.

yes,

be Happier 

xx