The longest ride ever

 

So there i was right behind my steer after had a long and tough conversation with my mom. I never thought it would be so long and tough to be heard. i know she wants the best for me and i know she loves me a lot so i guess, that is why she spread those phrases toward me. i kept silent and just nodded as she spoke cause i didn't have any idea what to say and  my tongue suddenly got numb. after she finished it, i barely couldn't say a word until now, so i guess i need this page to throw up all my thoughts. sometimes all what you need is just to write them down rather than spill it out through your mouth cause usually your tongue just got slipped and you'll screw everything. but i'm not sure if this page is the right place.

I drove myself home from the place where me and my mom met up and had that conversation. i was from my campus and she was from her office so we drove different cars. in the middle of the not-so-crowded traffic, i steered my car slowly with my eyes full of tears. yes i was cried. the hard one. and that was a rare event. i was cried because i knew how much my mother loveesss me and how much she worries about me. i am blessed for being her daughter cause she is really a super woman. but then i also cried about a thing. my mom called it a flame. a flame that i shouldn't play with. but I play with it cause i  fall for it.

I fall for that flame because it warms me up, comfy me,and cheers me up. i never thought before it would be this warm and deep. but as my mom said, this is not a flame that i shouldn't play with. it doesn't mean that the flame is a danger or someone beast but instead he is a good one. a really good one. but what my mother tried to say is; we are not belong to each other. we're not suppose to be together cause somehow we've got our own way. 

Sorrow is when you already realize that something isn't belong to you, but you still have that feeling and you just can't deny it. it's like a dream. it's really fun wasting time to be with him. sharing laughs, do silly things, playing basketball, watching movies, eat tons of foods, holding hands, sing out loud together, and so on. that's all so much fun and you just enjoy every little thing. but then, you consider that it's all just a nice dream. yes, it is a nice dream and soon you'll wake up and it's all will end. if this is really a nice dream, i won't wake up. but... i have to.

and if this is the time for me -or us- to wake up, i just want to say but sadly, i can't stringing up the words to express how fun it was to be with you, did all those things, it was just so much fun. thanks a lot. thanks for putting my smile back. I'll bring that smile after i wake up :) 

guess it's time for you to find your own happiness. and i'll find my own either.

i definitely will miss you. miss us.

et oui, Je t'aime beaucoup.

I really won't but have to,

T