Yuletide

So,
Yesterday i was going to church with my family to celebrate the Christmas' eve as usual. Christmas' eve always be my favorite day over the New year's eve even may be my birthday. It's so happy to see all the family gathered together. Some already have couples of grandchild, some has just got married and gathered with a new big family, some are gonna have new babies, some Long-distance-relationship couples are finally could meet each others and share the joyful of Christmas while some have to feel some lost or solitude. But i bet all of those people are happy because The Savior has come to Earth.
This warmth, this joy, this grateful feel are the best thing that i could felt tonight. but maybe not as good as lasts Christmases because this is the first Christmas without my grandma and grandpa. God loves them more than us here. Grandpa was gone on 2012 and Grandma was gone last September. They are the greatest person in this universe and my days feel empty without them. But that's life. Nothing lasts forever.
And it realizing me something. A thing that actually i already understood, but kept denying it. May be i am a person who think rationally but do irrationally or in other words, a coward. I dont know how to explain this but when i see the ambiance of Christmas and its beauty i realize a thing that love isn't that love. it's a big thing and it is bigger than that, so it has the consequences and they also big.
So i guess that's it. May be because love has its potion to make us blind and drunk by it we always forgotten the rest. And make a barrier between love and other things while all the things in this life always relating.
I hope we all can be a better person and be brave.

Merry Christmas,

T

Reminiscing

It's like a reunion. It's a crystal clear that the ending would be the same and the journey of it, is obviously the same. The bomb is counting down. And my warmest Hello directly for the shit I've met two years ago.

I never expect to meet and experiencing you again. But seems life is too kind to not give me this great lemon.

Well yeah, Hello again! you shit!

Let's make another wound

xx,

T

Corners are the nest of epiphany

As she spent her hours there, a lot of thoughts are running in and out through her head. some thoughts are sweet as her free doughnut, others are bitter as her americano, the rests are blur as the smokes of cigarettes.

People were passing by, chattering, laughing, smoking but she busy with her solitude. She was ignoring the surrounding and drowned herself into those words that printed out on the yellowed pages.

tired of reading, she puts her earphones on. hit the 'Shuffle' button, then 24 - 25 by Kings of Convenience was tuning in. Forgot that she had the song in her phone, she played it hundreds times like she was being spelled by Erlend and Eirik's voices. Then she searched the lyrics, curious why she couldn't hit the 'Stop' or 'Next' buttons. She read those lyrics which appeared on her cell-screen over and over again, but she still don't get it.

But then, she stuck with the last sentence. it says,

"Dreams burn, but in ashes are gold"

she instantly got it. she thought,

Things will be gone. sooner or later cause there's no such a thing lasts forever. at the time the thing is about to going away, it'll sucked you down and messed you up. But soon, in the other time, the thing that has been gone, will turn to be something sweets and precious to us. it is the memory.

to release something nice it's hard. but things have its period and we can't make them stay any longer if the time has come.

Just release what should be released. it is hard, but soon it will be relieved.

cause there's a time and place for everything

 xo,

T

The longest ride ever

 

So there i was right behind my steer after had a long and tough conversation with my mom. I never thought it would be so long and tough to be heard. i know she wants the best for me and i know she loves me a lot so i guess, that is why she spread those phrases toward me. i kept silent and just nodded as she spoke cause i didn't have any idea what to say and  my tongue suddenly got numb. after she finished it, i barely couldn't say a word until now, so i guess i need this page to throw up all my thoughts. sometimes all what you need is just to write them down rather than spill it out through your mouth cause usually your tongue just got slipped and you'll screw everything. but i'm not sure if this page is the right place.

I drove myself home from the place where me and my mom met up and had that conversation. i was from my campus and she was from her office so we drove different cars. in the middle of the not-so-crowded traffic, i steered my car slowly with my eyes full of tears. yes i was cried. the hard one. and that was a rare event. i was cried because i knew how much my mother loveesss me and how much she worries about me. i am blessed for being her daughter cause she is really a super woman. but then i also cried about a thing. my mom called it a flame. a flame that i shouldn't play with. but I play with it cause i  fall for it.

I fall for that flame because it warms me up, comfy me,and cheers me up. i never thought before it would be this warm and deep. but as my mom said, this is not a flame that i shouldn't play with. it doesn't mean that the flame is a danger or someone beast but instead he is a good one. a really good one. but what my mother tried to say is; we are not belong to each other. we're not suppose to be together cause somehow we've got our own way. 

Sorrow is when you already realize that something isn't belong to you, but you still have that feeling and you just can't deny it. it's like a dream. it's really fun wasting time to be with him. sharing laughs, do silly things, playing basketball, watching movies, eat tons of foods, holding hands, sing out loud together, and so on. that's all so much fun and you just enjoy every little thing. but then, you consider that it's all just a nice dream. yes, it is a nice dream and soon you'll wake up and it's all will end. if this is really a nice dream, i won't wake up. but... i have to.

and if this is the time for me -or us- to wake up, i just want to say but sadly, i can't stringing up the words to express how fun it was to be with you, did all those things, it was just so much fun. thanks a lot. thanks for putting my smile back. I'll bring that smile after i wake up :) 

guess it's time for you to find your own happiness. and i'll find my own either.

i definitely will miss you. miss us.

et oui, Je t'aime beaucoup.

I really won't but have to,

T

The last and the first words

another year has been passed. everything's changed, grew, and moved out. got so many lessons to be learned, the goods and the bad. 

something that i've never imagined before had to happen all of a sudden. it's really dragging me down. but thank God, You showed me what is the truth. it's bitter but relieve. but still, i feel that pain. it scratch clearly in my heart. am not regret. but it doesn't mean i'm okay with that mess. i just feel sorry, to you. 

but above all, thank you very much.

2013 was so amazing. God is really good. He gave me several chances to joined some great events. so many things i have learned and experienced and they are so precious. thanks for those people, i've got new families and they are really awesome! glad to meet all of them!

what a bittersweet-roller coaster-insane-galau-superb-unforgettable year.
though few things were let me down, i had tons of cheeriness that boost myself to move forward.
I was and am happy.
and i surely will be happier.

yes,

be Happier 

xx