And at the end,

You will find it's October

And she's gone

You've been fooled by April

And he's gone

xx,

T

365th

I must say and to be honest, i spent these several past days with the shades of tears. I don't know how these bad things could be happened in a row.
My favorite laptop with my whole files, thesis, pictures, videos, all things precious is gone in couple of days ago. I know it was my fault and i shouldn't left it in my car that day. My parents so mad at me and i don't have any idea how can i do my thesis after this. Or my projects, or if i need my old files. i am terribly sad, upset, and regret that i left it inside my car. Someone stole it and broke the left door of my car. I didn't realize that it was gone until i get to my friend's flat and when i wanted to take it, it wasn't there. I got panicked, my friend was instantly take me back to campus right in the parking lot where i was parked my car, i asked the security, my friend asked some people who were there, but then i got nothing. No clues cause no one gave attention to my car, and my laptop was really gone and lost. I just hope that maybe somehow i could find it back. It's not about the laptop but all the files. They are really important.

next,

I am no more with you.
I couldn't explain anything with this. We both know that us is something impossible. Ever since we shake hands. But i somehow, i don't know if you meant to do that or it's just me who misread, that you were convinced me that somehow or somewhat and someway we could be together someday. And that's why i keep myself stay with us. I keep fight for us. Cause i do really believe that us is possible. It's just matter of time.
The thing is i realized it now that actually, it's just  me who believe it. I didn't mean that you're not loving me but the thing is i know that our purpose on this thing between us is different now. And that's make me sick. truthfully. and i know so do you.
So i decide to go and won't get back into this. Cause i know if i stay, vanishes, lies, naives are the things inside our relationship beneath those cheers, kisses, and laughs. and i know it will hurt so deep for both of us. and i had enough to experience that. I truly had enough. And i truthfully know that so do you.

So by the end of 2015. I guess i know why these bad and teary things had happen to me. I guess God has prepared something better for me and by these things He wants me to take the lessons. Really take it and learn it so i won't face these anymore.

And you.
I tell you, that this will be my last tears for you. So please don't come back.
I love you have a great life.

xo,
T

Instead of fall, I am drowned

No.
It is not the expression of regret nor rage.
Just a mere of enigma that cling to a mere girl.
She ain't despair but fluster.
Wondering where her soul has been gone.
She is empty.
and frightened.

Her longing to the world is the worst.
While from the unreachable sky, He is waiting.
Offering an everlasting solace.
She should be answer His invitation.
But why still stay, Cherie?
Waiting for the soul that lost?

Oh Cherie.
She already flew up high towards Him.
Resting her fatigue cause she played too hard.
Why wondering where she is?

Go home Cherie.
She is already there.
and He is waiting.

xx

That Green Dim Light

Yesterday in the middle of stressing phase in my first chapter of my thesis, I decided to watch a movie. And I came up with The Great Gatsby of a sudden because I remembered that I haven’t watched it yet. And my first impression is

WHAT THE HELL-GREAT COMBINATION OF TOBEY MAGUIRE AND LEONARDO DICAPRIO IN ONE SCREENPLAY!

They are such a darling and too hot to be together in a one screen. Not to mention their acting. they’re the best for sure. The set is also my favorite. I adore so much the post world war I lifestyle in U.S. They were classy and so passionate but surely negative to the liquors and the racists things. But still who doesn’t love to see their glamorous life with those dazzling dresses, fancy parties with those swingy-jazzy tunes, and the funny-tipsy dance, those all a great yet terrifying combination. Why is that so? Just wonder if you get high every night and you just end up with some guy. Well, a guy it’s fine but what if you end up with someone who’s married. Oh gosh okay this shouldn’t be typed.

And now, about the story line. Woohoo.

Frankly, I don’t know how but, I do feel what Gatsby experienced.  To reach something unreachable or to have something that limited, and when you surprisingly got the chance to reach it or have it in just one step it suddenly puffed up and gone. The big question is why on earth we have to experience such a pitiful things like that. I mean what’s the point of us just to be there, right before the finish line to grasp the thing we crave for but it comes up with nothing? Is it just for us to watch the thing vanish clearer? If you thought so then you can blame fate.

But I’m not saying that I agree with the thought and by that I’m neither disagree with it.  Cause for me that’s all pointless. I mean, we sometimes argue whether things are wrong or right or it shouldn’t be like the way it is while truthfully world doesn’t offer such thing as an absolute righteousness. That divine thing is define by the groups of perfections and finals. Unfortunately the world has zero of them. Cause none is final. We are not final. Just a mere of a sentence without punctuation. Ambiguous, blur, and not final.

So why bother? It’s true that our life tends to reach the final and perfection. But that’s not the only thing and the main purpose of this life. If you ask me what it is, I will say life is mattered by an act of acceptance. Why is that so? back again then, cause all things are not final so what we only can do is to accept all the things.

And Gatsby. Well, I don’t see that he nearly understand about the idea of acceptance. It’s true that Daisy loved him since and for forever. But for having her it’s sadly just an illusion. Just like that green light right on the opposite of his dock. All he could do just seeing it from afar and no matter how much he stretch his hand to it, it still far away and unreachable.

World is indeed a big stage of comedies. All that insane thing could happen. So just laugh to it in terms of acceptance. What happened to Gatsby happened to me as well. And perhaps so do you. To accept such a pitiful thing is f**king hard and suffering. And I do feel Gatsby that we’re indeed tipsy by love so the idea to accept that pitiful thing is such a pathetic deed. So no wonder if he prefer to wait for a call from her till he’s dead. Cause he never shakes his hand with the acceptance. And so there he was. Drawn with his own idea of struggling a flawless love.

And how about me? Will I end up just like Gatsby or will I accept it?

Well..

I guess, I prefer to sit here with a glass of ice tea, swingy-jazzy tunes, and a show of my own fate then laugh and enjoy at it.

Cause why should I rush to choose which the right deeds to do? I am not final yet tho. So does the world. I’m accepting all of them by giggles. This world is just a mere stage of comedies, right?

Why bother? Enjoy! We’re not final yet.

Xx,

T